Disingenuous ShadowSimp Spergs Out

Caught this over on the Pundit forum:

Let’s tackle it bit by bit:

“Yep, ShadowDark is awesome!”

Shark thinks that a vapidware trash hack that’s basically a fifth of 5th Edition with a few retarded gimmicks largely pulled from other games and clumsily bolted on is somehow “awesome”.

Not passable. Not fine. Not okay. Not good. Nope, to him this is awesome. I suppose I must admire his restraint in not declaring that it is perfect, in all caps, placing it upon a hopefully merely metaphorical pedestal alongside Kelsey.

But then, maybe he honestly doesn’t think it’s perfect, because unlike Kelsey the game lacks feet for him to passionately and desperately kiss.

“No, ShadowDark is not some huge groundbreaking achievement in "Innovation".”

Note the qualifiers: Shark isn’t conceding that ShallowGrift isn’t innovative (it’s not), or even especially innovative, but that it isn’t a “huge groundbreaking achievement in innovation”.

Yeah, it’s a pretty pathetic strawmanlette, but I’m still slightly surprised he is willing to admit even that much.

“Fuck that.”

Yeah, fuck being innovative. Just pinch out the same barely tweaked game over and over and watch the ShadowSimps—hopefully only figuratively—lap it up.

“It doesn't need to be…”

It’s not innovative in the slightest, but then it never needed to be due to a combination of checking the right boxes and knowing the right people.

“…and Kelsey never claimed it was.”

So? It doesn’t matter if Kesley never specifically claimed that ShallowGrift was a “huge groundbreaking achievement in innovation”. Her and her ShadowSimps keep claiming that it’s some super awesome amazing game, when it isn’t even a complete one.

“Most fans of ShadowDark also have not claimed that the game is some kind of Tyrannosaurus Rex in "Innovation."“

Again with the strawmanlette argument, but if we’re being honest ShallowGrift isn’t even a micropachycephalosaurus in innovation.

“What IS INNOVATIVE about ShadowDark…”

Okay, let’s hear how ShallowGrift is in any way innovative.

Well, at least by Shark’s very, very loose definition of the word.

“…is the precision in which Kelsey has taken inspiration from other games…”

And limping out of the gate before falling on his ass, Shark has already confused “innovative” with trend-chasing. There’s a reason Kelsey, as with so many other lazy, uninspired narcissists chose the thinnest of 5th Edition foundations to slap a few houserules onto: it’s popular and easy.

And there’s a reason Shark can’t help but sing its undeserved praises: he’s too lazy and stupid to have taken 5th Edition and tack on a few houserules hinself.

“--like the "Funnel"…”

0-level isn’t a recommendation in DCC, but a standard. You’re expected to generate “at least two, and possibly as many as four” characters. Each character also has a randomly determined background, such as barber or dwarven miner, meaning that this result also effectively determines your race (though DCC utilizes the retarded race-as-class gimmick).

Each character is trained in whatever weapon the occupation provides, though you can instead become trained in a different weapon, whatever is the last one wielded before making it to 1st-level. This sudden shift in training makes no sense, but you retain this training regardless of which class you later select.

In ShallowGrift being 0-level is optional, seemingly tacked on as an afterthought, probably because she skimmed the DCC rulebook for, ahem, “““““inspiration””””” and heard that some other people like it so might as well throw it in there, pad out the already pointlessly padded page count.

You start with a random assortment of 1d4 items, each of which has an equal chance of being possessed because Kelsey is too lazy to create a percentile table, or one that utilizes multiple dice to create a sort of average. There are backgrounds, but they provide no equipment nor help determine starting gear (presumably because that would have taken effort to create), and are intended to be something you use to bullshit an advantage on a check.

Finally, 0-level characters have “beginner’s luck”, which lets you…”wield all gear until 1st-level”. Because that’s certainly what you think of when you hear the term beginner’s luck. Not some sort of mechanic to improve your odds of success or survival, but the ability to “wield” any gear you want—including armor, because as well all know you “wield” armor—until you pick up a class and then spontaneously forget how to use weapons and armor that you were just using perfectly fine a minute ago.

“…and crazy magic from DCC…”

I wanted to say that ShallowDark’s “crazy magic” is a, well, shallow, hollow imitation of DCC, but that describes the game in general, though I guess in this regard it’s somehow even shallower and hollower. See, in DCC each spell has its own specially tailored table which can provide both improved results and drawbacks depending on how well you roll on your spellcaster check.

For example, with magic missile, a spellcasting check of 11-13 means the spell fires off a single missile that deals a piddly point of damage. You still only get one on a 14-17, but the damage is improved. If you manage to get a whopping 32 or higher, you unleash a volley of 3d4+2 missiles, each of which inflicts 1d10 + wizard level damage. Even crazier, you can unleash all of them at once against a creature you can’t even see, so long as you have specific knowledge of the target, up to 100 miles away.

But if you get a 2-11 you “lose” the spell, and a nat 1 means corruption, taint, and/or misfires. The corruption and misfires have spell-specific effects, and something I forgot was that there’s a 1d10 section to determine what the spell looks like, though I’m not sure if you roll it just once, or each time.

In addition, each time a wizard learns a spell, you have to roll on a table to determine any specific change to how the spell works, or some other side effect (further reinforced the unpredictability of magic). There’s a range where it functions normally, but if you roll too low each time you cast it someone you know dies, and if you roll really high you get a hefty bonus to the casting check.

You can also “burn” stats to get a bonus to cast the spell, and corruption results show how use of magic can mutate your character over time.

So, in DCC you have tables for each specific spell, as well as “general” misfiles if the GM needs those for some reason, random ways spells are modified beyond your control when learned due to the zaniness of magic, patrons, the option to burn stats for a bonus, and mutations for when shit really goes wrong.

What does ShallowGrift give you in the way of “crazy magic”? How was Kelsey “““““inspired””””” by this mechanic, and how did she “improve” upon it in any way at all?

Whelp…spells either do one specific thing, nothing and then you have to rememorize it because this is a vapidware trash hack that relies on nonsense pseudo-Vancian magic because it’s already been done and her ShadowSimps don’t care, or you roll on one of three general mishap tables, which are keyed solely to spell level (which Kelsey calls tiers for no particular reason).

In DCC, if you nat one a spell and get a misfire, your magic missiles might spray in every direction, harming everyone within 100 feet (not just enemies). Or they ricochet back on you. Or there’s a huge explosion centered on the caster, harming everyone within a certain distance. Or the next time you roll a nat 1 within 24 hours a missile randomly fires off and hits something (friend of foe). Or he becomes supercharged with magical energy, causing him to harm the next thing he touches (also friend or foe). Or he burns a hole in the ground 1d20 feet deep.

(Note that, again, this is just for magic missile. Each spell has its own specific section for misfiles and corruption.)

In ShallowGrift if you nat 1 a magic missile you might suffer some damage from an explosion, target yourself with the spell, target a random ally because I guess the spell magically knows who you’re allied with, or can’t cast it for a week due to a “mind wound” which causes no other penalties or complications because this is ShallowGrift and you can’t add in anything resembling complexity because Kelsey’s audience have goldfish brains.

Less relevant results are losing a random piece of gear, suppressing all light within 30 feet, screaming for precisely 3 rounds, glow which for some reason makes it easier for enemies to hit you, or have a penalty to cast spells of only the same level for some reason for a minute.

Each table only has a dozen results, you have an equal chance of getting any one of them, because again Kelsey is too lazy to make a percentile table or even come up with interesting results, and two of them apply to two entire levels of spells so be prepared to see a lot of the same nonsense results numerous times.

DCC has “crazy” magic that has flavor and depth and a sense of logic to it. Kelsey saw that and, lacking any creativity or passion, pinched out a trio of lolsorandom mishaps because she knew her ShadowSimps don’t care or even expect anything out of her. They just want to talk about "Popular Game” for attention and to feel like they belong to something. It also doesn’t hurt that it serves as a brand to crank out turd-party vapidware for without any expectations of quality or creativity.

I’d say it’s like ordering a spell mishap system from Temu, but that’s just an unfair insult to Temu.

“…elements of BX…”

Such as?

Because it’s not the races, not the classes, not how ability scores provide modifiers or how often ability scores get increased. It’s not the ascending AC, or armor in general. It’s not how XP is earned, or the amounts required. It’s not characters gaining boring ass +x talents now and then. It’s not gaining a Hit Die of hit points every level. It’s not recovering all hit points after a single nap. It’s not how spells scale (or, rather, don’t). It’s not having torches and lanterns lasting an absurdly random amount of time. It’s not the tradeable luck tokens. It’s not item slots. It’s not the spells, the monster stat blocks, or the 4th Edition combat roles mentioned for creating monsters but never actually used in the blocks.

Maybe Shark is referring to how B/X and ShallowGrift have races, classes, equipment, and monsters that share the same names? Except for the darkmantle. That was created for 3rd Edition (not that I’d expect a hobby tourist like Shark to know that). Or maybe it’s how you largely use a d20 to determine success? Of course that would mean that this desperate praise of ShallowGrift would apply to every version of D&D, as well as a number of derivatives.

“…AD&D…”

As before, though AD&D also does the moronic level-based title thing that makes no fucking sense, except Kelsey also made it sillier by having titles duplicate the names of classes, plus it’s also alignment dependant so now you can determine anyone’s class, level, and alignment by title alone. Unless you can lie about your title. It’s not like any of them provide any benefits, so just say you’re a lord because it’s now meaningless.

“…and 5E…”

The reality is that this is the primary Edition that Kelsey was “““““inspired””””” by, which is why the ability scores provide modifiers like they do, weapons have 5th Edition traits, it has Advantage/Disadvantage, you fully heal HP on a rest, etc.

“…and blended them all together, and then presented her creation in a very professional, appealing manner.”

I find it hilarious that people see this layout and think it is in any way difficult to achieve:

As someone who actually puts time and effort into the things he creates, this? This is the bog-standard baseline. This is the bare minimum: a few paragraph styles, blank page background, no frills: you can achieve an identical or nearly identical result in Microsoft Word of all things. That simps like Shark pretend that it’s some shining example of laborious and unique craftsmanship merely demonstrates how inept and ignorant they are.

“And also accompanied her work with awesome, "Old School" black & white artwork. NOT Jenny Craig fat fucking Elves, "Mexican Orcs", or gay fucking Dwarves baking pastries while trying to engage in a circle jerk.”

Man Shark just loves tossing out awesome left and right, doesn’t he? Well let’s check out some of that “art”, shall we?

Eeesh…

Now, I know what the artist was trying to achieve, here: a goblin firing off a magic missile spell from around the corner. The problem is that he’s about as competent as Kelsey, in that he isn’t in the slightest. It’s like the goblin is both somehow mostly hiding behind the wall but also standing in the passage.

I suppose there are benefits to having even one abnormally long arm, though not so sure about his leg that seems to emerge from his armpit.

His foot is pointing oddly away from his knee, with massive armor studs that serve no purpose (though they still wouldn’t even if they were smaller and there were far more of them), dangling from a rope that is somehow bent at the top, going after a chest that is set at a very strange angle.

Hideous, even compared to fat elves. Bizarre proportions, armor and overall pose aside, she’s wearing a bunch of necklaces that are somehow stretched out behind her despite going underneath the armor, holding a ridiculously tiny shield, and near the bottom at that, holding a sword at a very strange angle (what, is she going to hit her target with the flat of it).

I’m starting to think that awesome doesn’t mean what Shark thinks it means.

I’m kidding. I knew from the start that he didn’t.

”Besides all that, I *LIKE* how she has carefully selected and blended great ideas and concepts from other games…”

She “carefully selected” 5th Edition because it’s popular, that’s it. She then slapped on a woefully anemic spell misfire mechanic because she was too lazy and incompetent to create one with even a fraction of the flavor and impact of DCC. As for the torch gimmick, I’ve heard it comes from Five Torches Deep, but why oh why would you include something so pointlessly retarded?

To recap:

• Torches and lanterns burn even when the game is paused or you aren’t playing. They are the only item in the game that does this. So, your characters can remain paused for weeks and they won’t starve, or even need to sleep, but magically their torch will continue to burn until they are in complete darkness.

• Maybe. On page 82 it says that time passes in the game world at the same pace it passes in the real world, so “one minute or hour of game time is equal to one minute or hour in real time”. The obvious issue is that this is impossible, since you cannot accurately match up real time with game in when traveling, unless you stop playing while doing so, as well as during combat (this is something that even the Brody Bunch of all people understand). The next column, also on page 82, says that “every moment in the game doesn’t have to be accounted for in real time”, so not even Kelsey can make up her fucking mind. Maybe show her some other game that does this, so she can be, ahem, “““““inspired””””” by it?

• Anyway, if you light a new torch, then all currently lit torches are extinguished or the new torch is set to however much time the previous one(s) have left. The players choose this each time a new torch is lit. This means that you can light a torch, then someone else lights one, and then the one that was just lit is somehow completely burnt out and useless. Or you light one, wait 50 minutes, light a new one, and then the new one only has 10 minutes left, somehow.

I think this is because ShadowSimps are too retarded to track more than one thing at a time, but as stupid as those are I found something even stupider:

So, you can take three torches, wait until they have 10 minutes left, “combine” them through what I can only assume is some sort of unspoken magical alchemy that every character intuitively possesses, and create a campfire that will somehow last 8 entire hours with no additional fuel required, so long as someone lingers within 30 feet of it. I’m guessing it derives magical energy from someone’s presence? Makes about as much sense as the torch gimmick or creatures with a Strength of 1 being able to carry as much as someone with a Strength of 10.

I am curious how Kelsey would explain this bizarre phenomenon, or circumvent player ingenuity should someone create, say, a wheeled metal or stone platform that they can combine their torches and pull around, giving them 8 in-game hours of light as opposed to 1 hour of “real time” light?

Ah, who am I kidding? Her audience is far too stupid to come up with ideas like that. Or they would just continue smacking themselves in the head while repeating “you can’t” in an increasingly distressed tone until you eventually relent.

“…while leaving those games' baggage, awkward mechanics, and BS behind.”

Right because it’s not awkward to have spell misfires cause gear to vanish even though you were trying to create light or charm someone.

Or light a torch and then the torch that still had half an hour left poofs out of existence.

Or magically heal all wounds after a single nap.

Or somehow acquire a “luck token” that you can just give to someone else.

Or tie three torches together to create whatever Kelsey thinks a campfire is, which also becomes “immobile” and makes them last eight times as long without the need for additional fuel.

Or somehow become better at fighting and casting spells by partying.

Or that a feeble goblin with a Strength of 3 and a human with a Strength of 10 can carry precisely the same amount of gear, without any sort of penalty.

Or have to somehow reconcile the “in-game” clock with the “real world” one, even though that is impossible, no reason for this is given, and it is contradicted in the next column where Kelsey states “every moment in the game doesn’t have to be accounted for in real time”. Given that it’s impossible anyway…thanks?

Or how when the lights go out, somehow the dungeon magically becomes more dangerous regardless as to what was inhabiting it, its layout, what the characters have done, etc.

Or having a title that either conveys your class, level, and alignment to everyone, or it doesn’t and has no point and there’s no reason why a fighter cannot call himself a warrior even if he is lawful. Or titles that are assigned by others, such as a squire or knight. Or titles that might have fuckall with what you’ve been doing in game, such as lord, warlord, and battlerager.

I could go on, but despite what ShadowSimps parrot there’s enough bullshit baggage in ShallowGrift to fill dozens of item slots at least.

“I don't give a fuck about DCC's weird dice…”

This might be the only thing I can even somewhat agree upon, and that’s only because back when I still entertained the briefest notion to even attempt to play the game it wasn’t always easy to get these dice. You could use a number generator, sure, but it just wasn’t the same as rolling physical dice.

But if you could it was just rolling and reading numbers. It wasn’t like you had weird symbols that you had to interpret, like in those newer Star Wars games.

“…and my patience for endless charts embraced by DCC is a thing in my rear-view mirror like Rolemaster.”

I’ve never played DCC but the charts weren’t endless. If you were a fighter, the only chart you cared about was the fumble chart and a level-based crit chart. Roll a nat 1 or 2, check the chart. Wizards and maybe clerics were the only ones burdened by the need to routinely reference different charts, because each spell had its own. Plus you might to reference the corruption one.

And while this could be cumbersome (never played, dunno), there is a middle ground between tailored tables with a dozen or so results for each spell and a total of three with largely unrelated results between the entire spell roster. Such as, say, creating one for each spell category (ie, illusions, evocations, conjurations, etc) so you don’t try casting mirror image and then one of your items vanishes.

But admitting this requires the ability to honestly criticize something, as opposed to rabidly white-knighting for a lazy hack.

“No thanks. Kelsey has taken what is good, and made it BETTER.”

I’m not sure if Shark is lying, retarded, desperately “thirsty” (which would be very strange given that his object of lust would be a frumpy lesbian with a Bruce Cambell-esque jaw), and/or being disingenuous.

Races are watered down to a single trait. Ability scores haven’t been changed at all. Armor is just worse because there’s only three types and plate is absurdly pathetic. The weapons are just bog-standard 5E. The equipment list is severely pared down. I’ve already talked about spell mishaps a few times.

Magic has been addressed very thoroughly but she took a good idea and made it about as bad as it could possibly be. I think he only way she could have done worse was to use a single mishap table, so I guess good for her for going the extra meter there.

Torches make no sense and can be magically combined into a campfire (one wonders what would happen if you took any three sticks and tried to combine them and light them on fire). There’s no character customization: you just roll now and then and get what you get, which is mostly +x to something. Spells are basically bog-standard D&D fare. I’d say ditto for monsters, but it’s mostly in name only (which I’ll touch on in a bit).

Morale is a static Wisdom save which makes no sense. Healing is mostly how it works in 4E and 5E, just with a Con check tacked on, which still only makes sense if your injuries are minor. Luck tokens are objectively worse than 5E inspiration because I don’t think you can trade it between characters (if you can then luck tokens are basically just renamed inspiration, which wouldn’t surprise me). Otherwise it’s just the stupid hero coin bullshit from the Index Card print-and-play board game.

Monsters have somehow less flavor than first two 4th Edition monster books. For example, here’s the aboleth page spread:

And here’s ShallowGrift’s quarter-assed attempt:

You don’t even need to weigh it against the entire 4E entry, or the lore section at the bottom: just focus on the starting paragraph and you’ve got like three times the amount to work with. As with, well, everything, ShallowGrift barely even scuffs the surface: you basically need to reference some other official D&D monster book to know what a given monster is about.

As an aside, since angels are on the next page over, just wanted to point out that she got the ranking of angels hilariously wrong, with hilariously pathetic stats. For example, she ranks seraphim at the bottom, and all they can do is hand out luck tokens.

You’d think an angel with a name that means burning, typically used to denote a serpent, would have something to do with either, but then this is ShallowGrift so what did you expect? Also, if Kelsey at least bothered to skim the angelology article on Wikipedia of all places, you’d see that they are either ranked at the top, or number 5, depending on if you go with Judaism or Christianity.

Yet another example of how little work she bothered to put into this vapidware trash hack.

Anyway, getting back on track, 2nd Edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons sets the standard for monster entries:

But that would require passion, patience and creativity, and if the redundant and retarded name didn’t give it away you aren’t going to find any of that in ShallowGrift.

“THAT is what is "Innovative" and fun, and special about ShadowDark.”

You haven’t described anything innovative, fun, or special. You’ve just declared it to be so, as if that’s all that’s necessary and how dare anyone question you.

“All the while, ruthlessly keeping the ShadowDark game focused on being quick, simple, and brutal.”

I think that liking vapidware trash games should be part of both intelligence and cognitive tests.

3rd Edition was both quick and simple. I know some like to pretend that all the bonuses were difficult to remember or track or something, but the only aspect that was even somewhat complex was that most of them wouldn’t stack with each other. I think only dodge bonuses and maybe luck bonuses stacked. Otherwise you used the higher one.

Even grappling wasn’t difficult to learn and use, just pointless given how easy it was to circumvent (ie, if you took any damage while trying to grab something it was automatically foiled), and the prevalence of deliberately subpar or even useless options was really 3E’s greatest sin.

3rd Edition was also far more brutal because you couldn’t just magically heal all of your hit points and ability score damage after a single nap. Plus you could instantly die if you took too much damage from a single attack, and there were plenty of monsters that could drain your levels, or even kill you outright.

2nd Edition was simpler and even more brutal, because in 3E the level-draining monsters often permitted a save, and you had a period of time to undo the level loss (and might even be able to shrug it off on your own). Plus most things that were venomous had the hilariously deadly Type F poison.

5th Edition was also stupidly simple, probably because the Groomers of the Coast knew their audience was largely people who don’t really play and just watch others pretend via YouTube, it just lacked the lethality of most previous editions.

The only odd one out is 4th Edition, which was about as deadly as 5E in that it really wasn’t, but more complex due to the myriad of powers with their own self-contained effects, so if you’re interested in a simple and brutal game, just pick anything except 4E and 5E and you’re good (or pick 4E and use the Essentials classes, which stripped out the complexity from everything except spellcasters).

Really I think Shark and hobby tourists like him are just lazy, stupid, and like deluding themselves into thinking they’re part of something. They don’t want to read even the rules sections of a book, and/or are too stupid to follow and retain basic instructions like encumbrance and which torch was lit when.

“I wish the ShadowDark haters would get these concepts rammed like a fucking brick through their fucking heads…”

I wish ShadowSimps would stop trying to gaslight gamers into thinking their vapidware shit doesn’t stink. You can lie and exaggerate and white knight all you want Shark, but I’ve read ShallowGrift and have no interest in playing a vaguely D&Dish game based on a hollowed-out skinsuit version of a D&Dish game, especially when it means supporting a lazy narcissist.

Plus, if I really want to play a vaguely D&Dish game on Hobby Tourist difficulty, I could just take an existing edition of official D&D and ignore most of the rules myself. I don’t need to pay someone for some shitty houserules, and that’s a big part of it: too little work was done to justify its existence.

It’s not like Kelsey took DCC magic and reworked it, reducing overall complexity but still retaining the flavor, and then taking the time to adjust damage, duration, other parameters so that it’s more inline with 5th Edition’s numbers. Instead, she took the idea of making a spellcasting check and if you roll a nat 1 something bad happens. The problem is that anyone could do what she did. Anyone, even Shark, can whip up a very barebones table of lolsorandom results over the span of like an hour.

That people pay for it and pretend that it’s some great achievement, or an achievement at all, says a lot about them.

“…and stopped opening their mouth with baseless, stupid criticisms and BS claims about the game that they clearly do not comprehend.”

The lady doth project too much, methinks.

“Most of them DON'T PLAY ShadowDark…”

And? You don’t need to play a game to know that it’s post-modern vapidware trash.

What’s amusing is that you know Shark has observed things and concluded that he won’t like them, or that they aren’t any good. He’s just being a hypocrite here because people don’t like what he at least claims to like.

“--and most of them also don't own the fucking book, either.”

I’m not sure what Shark is trying to prove, here. That if you don’t own something you can’t criticize it? That doesn’t make any sense. That would mean you can’t criticize a movie, even if you watched it: you have to wait until the movie is out and then buy it, first.

“The ShadowDark book is also an absolute pleasure to read.”

Hopefully that’s the only way you derive, ahem, “pleasure” from it.

“You won't need a degree in Forgotten Realms Studies to know what is going on.”

There isn’t a single book you need a “degree in Forgotten Realms Studies” to know what’s going on, not even in the Forgotten Realms books because it explains it to you.

I am very curious what RPG rulebook Shark thinks you can only comprehend after binging Forgotten Realms sourcebooks and/or novels.

“Furthermore, the ShadowDark book is crafted--yes, CRAFTED--in material, style, layout, and font size, readability, to be USED AT THE GAME TABLE.”

I love how Shark capitalizes words as if it adds weight to his claim. It’s like he believes he’s saying something profound, insightful, and if he can just make the letters big enough, maybe, just maybe, you’ll believe him…or at least slink away, defeated by the sheer size of his font.

Anyway, I wonder if the RPG books Shark thinks aren’t written for use at the game table are in the room with him right now. You know, along with those books you need a degree in Forgotten Realms studies to grasp.

“Running ShadowDark is a blast!”

Whatever you have to tell yourself, man. Or, rather, whatever certain Youtube personalities had to tell you, man.

“Running a ShadowDark game is simple, fun, and intuitive.”

Which, unfortunately for Shark, just isn’t enough to differentiate it from all of the other 5E houserule hacks out there. Or even many other official editions of D&D: 3rd Edition was simple, fun, and intuitive. Even better, it was a complete game with at least some semblance of character customization.

“Anyone on the fence should dive in. It is a fantastic game!”

Just download the free 5th Edition Basic Rules PDF and ignore half the rules. Or, if you’re a retarded 5th Edition goldfish casual then you’ll probably like ShallowGrift because there’s less…well, everything to have to jot down and remember.

Perfect for the hobby tourist who spends most of the session glued to his smartphone.

“The ShadowDark haters should just get fucked and get a fucking life.”

Kelsey isn’t going to fuck you.